The end
In fiction, I think I’m not too bad at endings, but in real life I’m not so good at them. I tend to use up my emotions prematurely, or else push on long past when I should have stopped. I never got my finishing end with Plup – there were too many small endings, and eventually I became stupid with them, announcing loudly my last ever spilling of coffee and my last trip to the toilet. By the time I closed the door for the last time the shop no longer felt like the shop to me, with the bare walls and large empty windows and far too much space, and I didn’t feel much at all, although I tried hard to feel something.I probably should have ended this blog back in February when I finished my series of seriously-written blog entries. I thought about it, and had half-intended to do so, but then I’d enjoyed writing them, and thought I’d found a way to write this blog that I liked, and that was good, and that I felt comfortable with. Still, it hasn’t quite worked out that way, and I seem to have slipped back into old habits with frivolous entries and irregular updates.
On reflection, I really see no reason why my life needs to be on the internet. It’s funny, I’ve done this blog for nearly four years now, but never much questioned why I do it. I suppose in retrospect there were a few reasons – it was a reaching-out to people, and provided an ersatz surrogate for the diary I’d stopped keeping a short while before I started this, and it made me feel I was at least writing something. Things are different now. I’m working hard on my novel – it goes slowly, and I’m not entirely happy with it, but then it’s not meant to be easy. Recently I’ve started keeping a diary again. My life has come naturally to a juncture; I am keen, generally, to make changes; something has to give, and I think it has to be this blog.
This is something I have thought about for a long time now; it’s not a momentary whim of mood. For every good reason I have for continuing this thing, I have an equally good reason for stopping. It allows me to stay in touch with people, but at the same time, as I pointed out accusatively once before, and now note without rancour, I think it does provide people with a superficial feeling that they are in touch with me when they really are not, or only occasionally are. It does encourage me to write on a regular basis, but it also encourages me to be less vigilant about the quality of what I send into the world. In the end I am a self-concious person, not particularly inclined to public demonstration, and I find at least half the things I write on here I end up regretting. Although I am cautious of how much I reveal here, the accumulation of information I provide is something with which I am uncomfortable, and leaves me feeling overexposed. Still, the main reason is simply that I want to spend my writing time working on my novel, and now that I find myself seriously engaged with the process of writing it, time spent doing this blog feels like a waste.
For these reasons and others I have decided to discontinue this blog. The nature of this sort of blog announcement being what it is, it would be stupid of me to say unequivocably that I will never again want to write this blog, or some other, but I really think I’ve had enough. Thank you all for reading. Thank you for the comments, which always meant a lot, and sometimes meant much more than could possibly have been imagined by the commenter. A short reminder of what is obvious – just because I don’t have a blog, it doesn’t mean I have ceased to exist, and should anybody be curious, I can still be found quite easily at the other end of a telephone line or internet connection.
Thanks and goodbye.
posted by Nicholas @ 10:15 PM
13 Comments:
Sorry to see you go Nicholas. I'll miss the feeling of connectedness that I've got from reading your blog - in the future I'll have to glean details through mutual friends. Good luck with your writing.
well you better write to me!! I like checking yr blog dammit xo
b
well that is a shame, but fair enough i suppose... i will miss reading your blog updates and will endeavour to email every so often
dane
Bye, Nicholas! I liked checking your blog - for a few years now - sometimes not for months and months, sometimes every time went online. Suppose it was sort of a constant, although I was not always in same place and most everything else changed. People have their own schedule and agenda to get through though and seems like you have a good reason to stop blogging. Best wishes for the future, Person.
Good luck with the novel.
sorry to see NRSR bite the dust
but i agree that it is strange to keep a public diary. i've become increasingly uncomfortable with it myself.
but, on the other hand, i do feel in better touch with friends who keep blogs (and read mine) which is important when so many people live scattered around the world. though it is a poor substitute for more direct contact
i hope you return to cyberspace - if not as a blogger maybe with a criticism site or something
I'm sad to see RSRN go too.
I may be off the mark here, it does seem that the writerly bloggers (or maybe all creative types who do blogs) go through more angst than others. Partly I think it's the unendingness of blogs. You're used to writing novels, which take a long time to write but do, practically, even if you're Marcel Proust, have to come to an END. Blogs have no essential lifespan and it can be spooky. Is this thing going to follow me around my whole life? etc.
The posts I enjoyed most were the critical ones. Whenever something happened that I thought you'd have an opinion on I'd check in to read you're take on it.
Good luck with the novel.
Tim
well said. thanks and goodbye. I shall have to find other ways of staying in touch with you. and i think those ways will be more interesting and fulfilling, anyway.
yay for novel-writing. i put 2000 words down on mine for the first time in months and it was fun. but tht was about a month ago. i have novel shame.
You should be really proud of your blog. Good luck in the future, Anna
You'll be back. These things are like children - they will find you eventually and drag you back...
Nicholas, this may sound hard but the closure of this blog is years overdue. There has been nothing of any merit for a very long time
anonymous = nicholas?
Not this time, Dan. I like some of the stuff I've posted on here this year. It's just one of the blog creepazoids, throwing a tantrum because they can no longer webstalk me.
Anonymous Creepazoid - I have to say that the idea that you kept checking this blog for years after it supposedly went bad is really funny to me. Maybe you should just get a life of your own instead? But thanks - you reminded me of why I don't want to put my life on the internet anymore.
To everybody else, thanks for the kind comments. It does mean a lot, and I hope to talk to all of you soon, in one form or another.
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